The Four Agreements book notes/review
This is my second book notes/review I’ve posted here. Do you like these or would you like them on a separate channel to keep this one just monthly updates? Let me know.
I read The Four Agreements by Janet Mills & Don Miguel Ruez written in 1997 yesterday. This book feels very relevant today starting with that idea we are all mirrors of each other. Below are mostly notes, some summaries, and some personal reflections from my experience divided mainly by chapters.
Intro:
The intro is very spiritual and has the part about mirrors. It also has an interesting assessment (or judgement) that the society we’ve built is based on fear.
Main function of the mind is to dream, we dream even when awake.
Chapter 2: Use words impeccably
The first chapter is about being impeccable with your words. Apparently impeccable has some etymology about being sinless. They contextualize this agreement as a form of love. You let go of your inner judge and victim and say things that are powerful spells of love to yourself and others.
They also discuss how dangerous gossip is. On the one hand, I agree. On the other hand, how do you not talk about what others are like to other people? I guess if it is positive that’s the answer? Or truthful? What if the truthful thing can be perceived negatively? What is judgements vs. assessment vs. discernment? Even with these questions the idea of talking to yourself and words being a measure of one’s self-love is very interesting. “With the impeccability of the word you can transcend the dream of fear and live a different life,” they write at the end of the chapter. I talked with a friend about this and how gossip can be necessary and life saving too. For example, there is a physical threat in your community, gossip can help people avoid it. So jury’s out on this gossip point for me still.
This chapter also talked about how we abuse ourselves more than anyone else abuses us. Pretty interesting idea and empowering because you can change that.
Chapter 3: Don’t take anything personally
The idea here is people say what they are feeling and it is never about you. If someone is happy they say they like you, if mad they say they dislike you. This chapter also talks about internal voices, how we’ve taken on ideas from others but they’re likely not personal either. “Only by making an inventory of our agreements will we uncover all of the conflicts in our mind and make order out of the chaos of the mitote” (mitote was a word the authors used to describe many voices all talking to each other with potential conflicts).
“If you can make this second agreement a habit, you will find nothing can put you back into hell.”
It also mentioned doing a self-inventory of agreements you have internally as much as you can be aware of.
Self agreement inventory:
4 from book:
Use words impeccably
Don’t take things personally
Don’t make assumptions
Always do your best
Others I inventoried:
Be loving
Be honest
Be healthy
Be courageous
Have fun
Forgive everything
Live without fear of expressing dreams
I can be loving all the time
I can choose how to express my emotions and am in control of them
Self-limiting, fear-based beliefs:
There is a right way. I also believe there is no right or wrong
I’m not good enough still in there even though I am
I don’t always feel safe and want to keep realizing I mostly am
I need to prove myself is in there when I don’t have anything to prove is the one I hope to live by
Be comfortable asking for clarificationPart of me thinks the agreements in the book are impossible. In fact they are probably not too different than most habits, you can do them with practice to a high level and not perfectly
Chapter 4: Don’t make assumptions
Claims all our suffering is a mix of taking things personally and making assumptions. Later claims we make the assumption that everyone sees life the way we do. Biggest assumption humans make. I don’t think we do this all the time though. Claims we have a fear of being ourselves around others because we’re scared of being judged. I can relate to that when in this book’s view it doesn’t matter if you’re judged, you don’t take it personally per agreement number 2.
Claims that our mind works with the need to justify everything in order to feel safe. We don’t care if the answer is correct; just that it makes us feel safe. Claims that’s why we make assumptions, to feel safe.
Claims the day you stop making assumptions with your partner your way of communicating will completely change.
Chapter 5: Always do your best
Best can change from moment to moment. If you try too hard to do more than your best, you will spend more energy than is needed and in the end your best will not be enough. The action of doing your best will make you feel intensely happy. Doing your best is taking the action because you love it, not because you’re expecting a reward. Most people do exactly the opposite: they only take action when they expect a reward, and they don’t enjoy the action… Doing your best really doesn’t feel like work because you enjoy whatever you are doing… If you take the action because you have to, then there is no way you are going to do your best… Doing my best has become a ritual in my life because I made the choice to make it a ritual.
Chapter 6: Breaking old agreements
The real you is still a little child who never grew up. Responsibilities change the childlike part of ourselves. The freedom we are looking for is the freedom to be ourselves, to express ourselves.
“To be Toltec [one of the inspirations of a type of people for this book] is a way of life. It is a way of life where there are no leaders and no followers, where you have your own truth and live your own truth. A toltec becomes wise, becomes wild, and becomes free again.”
Three masteries required: awareness, transformation, intent. Intent makes transformation possible. Intent is also mastery of love. Toltec compare inner judge and victims to a parasite in the mind.
I do think judgement has use this book also uses judgement but claims the judge is a parasite. Maybe those are different. Self-judgement may not have a use, although assessing whether or not I’m accountable to agreement seems useful. Judgement is so serious, assessment is lighter. Maybe the parasite is getting too serious about anything too.
When we discover our mind is being controlled by judge and victim and the real us is in the corner we can say no! Declare war against that parasite. In shamanic traditions, people call themselves warriors because they’re in a war agains the parasite in their mind.
Subchapter: Art of transformation
We’re no longer innocent as adults. We can choose what we believe. Suggests first step is to become aware of the fog that is your mind, aware that you’re dreaming all the time. Next step develop awareness of self-limiting, fear-based beliefs.
“The mind is so wounded and full of poison by the process of domestication [growing up and being told things to believe], that everyone describes the wounded mind as normal.” Author claims it is not. Forgiveness is the only way to heal. “The truth is like a scalpel it is painful because it opens all the wounds covered by lies.” The lies are a denial system and it is good because it allows us to cover wounds and function.
Once we no longer have wounds, we don’t need to lie anymore. Once we no longer have wounds, we don’t need to lie anymore. Once we no longer have wounds, we don’t need to lie anymore. Seem like a true and very important statement.
Subchapter: initiation of the dead: embracing the angel of death
Another way to attain personal freedom is to take death as a teacher. Death can teach us to live every day as if it is the last day of our lives. Begin saying I am awake, I see the sun. I’m going to give my gratitude to the sun because I’m still alive. One more day to be myself. Treat everyone with love because it may be the last time you can. By living this way you prepare yourself for the initiation of death. Parasite dies. “Whoever survives the initiation of the dead receives gift of resurrection to be like a child but with wisdom instead of innocence.” You can then use wisdom to grow a belief system instead of whatever society told you as a kid. Angel of death comes and says “everything here is mine; it is not yours, you can use it for now.”
Chapter 7: New dream.
Beginners mind. Dream you are living is your creation. Imagine living without fear of expressing your dreams.